It's right for me

The last time I found myself in this position I started this blog. What position is this, you ask? Being in that place between wanting to contribute more to my life (actually live it), and my bed. Two and a half years ago launching this blog was cathartic enough that it helped me get my rear in gear, aka "outta bed." I'm hoping something good will come of it now as well.

The purpose of the blog was to tell my story in hopes that it helped even one person feel less alone in this big world we live in. The same holds true today. Two years ago it was about mentally overcoming a history of abuse. Today it's about the daily effort it takes to live with the physical ramifications of the abuse.

So often people only ascribe a certain set of "scars," as it were, to abuse: bruises, STD's, PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc. I'm referring to cellular memory. The stuff that keeps the body bondage to the past because it still feels and fears the same situation, constantly. And I have elephant cellular memory. Maybe you do too. You can read this article for more information on cellular memory.

So basically cellular memory is the stuff that's stored at our deepest levels, then it manifests itself in outward behaviors or actions, or in physical form. For me, it's called fibromyalgia (among other things. I'm not going to list it all) and fibromyalgia is the disease of the broken hearted. Louise L. Hay refers to it as "fear showing up as extreme tension due to stress." Yup. That about somes it up. And I'm in a big flare up. And I'm not very happy about it. Fibromyalgia is a big disease. If you don't work with it, it will work you over. I'm trying to find out how to tread lightly, once again, around a ferocious thing. Only this time it lives in my body, it's not my (former) husband.

So what am I afraid of? Good question. Probably that there is no end in sight. I wake up every day in the kind of pain that would send most people to the ER. I fear that this is the way my life will be until I die. That would stress out anybody.

I'm tired of being in healing mode post surgery. I want to be in that afterglow place; I want to healed. I pray for it. I do my own work toward it. It hasn't happened, yet. I recall the doctor telling me that this surgery takes a long time to recovery from. I had to have it done anyway, so here I am being totally impatient - stressed. I don't feel like I'm living the life I was supposed to live. So I asked, "what can I do differently so I'm living my purpose?"

Be still, know that I am God, oh and write about it in your blog.

That was the answer. Really?

What am I going to write about? Whatever is going on right now. Sigh. Ok, here goes.

I was born with a frail body. It has taken me 47 years to accept this. A friend of mine stayed with us for a few months to take care of me and my kids since this was the summer of surgeries for me. One day I asked how many surgeries she'd had during her life. Uhm, none. She's five years older than me.

That night I started counting. By the age of nine I'd had four surgeries. No, I'm not like one of those kids who are born with a heart defect who has that many operations in the first few days of life. I was born with what my mom called a calcified placenta. My second child was born with the same thing, only now it's called Intra Uterine Growth Restriction. Yes it's  a genetic birth defect. Is this the cause of the frailty? Perhaps. It certainly messed up something in the body's own rejuvenating process.  By now I've now had about 15 surgeries.  And it isn't my fault.

Yes, I need to blame something, so I'm blaming IUGR. I'm absolutely certain that the 11 years of abuse from age 2-13 added fuel to the frailty fire. So I'm going to blame people too. Is this a good idea, the blaming? I don't really care right now. I'm finding myself in a place of mourning, again. I get to go through the stages of grief that are required for the healing I seek after. Too many people deny themselves this right. I did it for years. Between the physical DNA and the cellular memory that comes from years of my growing up years and years of my grown up life spent being victimized I have a sickly body and I'm mad! And I'm so proud of myself for finally having the awareness and finally giving myself permission to stop taking it out on me, to finally blame the sources! For me, for now, it's absolutely okay!

See there are two types of people in the world; 1. The type that blames everyone and everything else for their problems. I've been married to men like that. 2. The type that accepts all that trumped up responsibility and blames themselves. I'm the second type. And it's about time I stopped accepting what is not mine to carry. So I'm done.

I feel angry because I was violated and it didn't just mess with my head. My entire body is fraught with pain and prone to illness. To the people out there in the world who hurt me, dead or alive, you know what you did to harm me. You are responsible! Not me! You are accountable for every ounce of suffering I've felt, or that my children have endured because they have a frail mom, and the neglect of the people who's lives I'm supposed to help but can't because I'm always sick, you get that heaping dose of blame too. It's not mine to carry. Never was. Never will be.

So here ya go universe. I'm throwing all the guilt, shame, responsibility, self-blame, self-hatred, fear, embarrassment, anger, resentment, etc etc etc, and a humongous bag of physical violation and pain right back atcha. I choose to release the negative feelings and memory out of my cells, out of my DNA. I choose to be made free.

I can check off step 1.

Good girl Kelly. You've begun again.

Desperately Seeking You

What if you could see the one you once loved the most in a way that you had never seen them before? What if you could see them as a wounded child in need of succor, nurture, protection, safety, unconditional love, affection? What if you could see them as the Savior sees them: worthy of it? And what if you were the only one, along with the Savior who, being able to see them in this way, could fix their wounds, make them whole, take away their pain, give them a whole new way of life? Would you do it?

Would you gather them up in your arms, hold them close, rock them back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...... And tell them how much you love them, how valuable they are to you, how much they are wanted, that you'll protect them, that you'll always be there for them.

Or what if they had hurt you so badly, there was no way for repairs to be made to you, to them, to the relationship; its over? What if this person you once loved the most, was dangerous or lived their life in such a way that you had no choice but to walk away from them? What if you were ashamed of them, of your association with them, of ever having known them? What if all that remains is an enormous empty space of regret and heartache and you don't know how to begin to forgive them? What if there really is nothing you can do for them, because they simply are not willing to allow anyone to help them at all, not even themselves? And you have to remain gone from them, no matter how deeply you love them?

Now, what if this person is YOU?

What if YOU were the one who was wounded and in need? Could YOU envision YOUrself as the wounded child YOU have indeed been at one time or another; a child in need of succor, nurture, protection, safety, unconditional love, affection? Would YOU wrap YOUR arms around YOU, and love YOU? Would YOU gather YOU up in YOUR arms, hold YOU close, rock YOU back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.... And tell YOU how much YOU love YOU, how valuable YOU are to YOU, how much YOU are wanted, that YOU will protect YOU, that You will always be there for YOU?

Now, what if YOU had been hurt so badly, there was no way for repairs to be made to YOU? What if YOU are dangerous or live YOUR life in such a way, that YOU had no choice but to walk away from YOU? What if YOU are ashamed of YOU, wish YOU'd never been born, wish YOU didn't live, wish YOU could die? What if all that remains is an enormous empty space of regret and heartache and YOU don't know how to begin to give to and forgive YOU? What if, there really is nothing that can be done for YOU, unless YOU are willing to allow help? And what if YOU have to remain gone from YOU, unless you get help?

What if I told YOU: there is a way?

YOU can, if YOU will try and then YOU will change into something you never expected and everything WILL be okay.

How badly do you want to stop hurting? How badly do you want to feel whole? How badly do you want that love you've always longed for?

In a quiet place, at a quiet time, sit without fear, allow the Savior to guide you. Sit in your feelings of all your years. Sit in your thoughts of you, thoughts of you as a baby, as a toddler, as a kindergartner, as an eight year old, a twelve year old, a sixteen year old.....

Go through each age, each phase and just simply hold YOU. Find you and love you. Safely, appropriately, carefully, gently. Be with you and give to that age of your younger you all the things that child within you needs for that time. Swaddling and forehead kisses as an infant. A fluffy blankie and a lullaby as a toddler. An non-judgmental ear and broad shoulders as a teen. A strong arm and a knowing nod of the head as the young adult who failed.

You wouldn't deny these to the one you loved more than anything else in their hour of need. When you've been a best friend, a coach, a teacher, a parent, a sweetheart, a spouse. Are YOU any less deserving? No.

The love you allow you to give to YOU will extend far beyond the moment when you give it to you, in that quiet place, at a quiet time. It will extend as rippling water after a stone has been dropped into a pond from one shore to the other. Like waters of life; healing, cleansing, replenishing, nourishing. By giving yourself permission to be loved and lovable, you will give it to all you will ever know. You will let the Atonement of Christ heal not only your wounds, but others will follow your lead to healing, to Him. And you will have then become all you were meant to be. YOU!!

********************************************************

Once again I must thank Marlene Elisabeth Holden for an amazing journey through rescripting. I reiterate that it is by far the most powerful form of "healing" I have ever been engaged in. I think of the wasted years and tears sitting in a therapist's office, or several, in futility, struggling in vain to find the missing pieces and put me back together. It got to the point where this last psychologist just simply said "why don't you finish school, become a therapist & then you can fix yourself." Yeah, I've read a great deal, learned even more and yet after 20 odd years, found myself in the same places all over again, time after time.

During my session yesterday with Marlene, I was actually pain free for hours. Though some of my physical pain has returned, I still feel very free, very whole, very found. That is priceless and something I cannot even begin to describe. What I wrote above I hope to publish into a children's book for grown-ups. It was Marlene's idea. It may need tweaking here and there, and of course illustrations...but I don't know of an illustrated children's book for grown-ups, for the child inside. Neither did Marlene. So, here's to perhaps, a novel idea.  And you read it here, in purple and green, on my blog, first (;

(Yes, that does copyright it!)

To contact Marlene, which I highly suggest to everyone:

801.633.8140

marleneholden@yahoo.com

marleneshealingarts.com

Marlene's Healing Arts on Facebook

The Circle

I've already written about being a visual person, teaching, speaking, writing in metaphor, analogy and illustration. I have no idea how other people see things in their minds. It's neither good nor bad, it just is what it is. So...in this frame of mind that I am, I paint pictures for my children as I aim to teach them something, especially something of value, something I want them to have a visual of, something I want them to remember, over and over again. I don't recall where the parable of The Circle came from, it just came and now it's part of our familial vernacular; where are you in the circle with each other, with me, with your friends, the rest of your family? The moral of the story? Love, empathy. Standing by someone no matter what the rest of the world says. Standing for something, especially when your person is about to fall. Where are you in The Circle?

“As you walk toward the noise you hear, there in front of you is a circle. A circle of people. All colors, shapes, sizes, sounds. But the loudest sound is mockery and cruelty. You go closer to the circle to see what is there; what are they pointing at, jeering at? Your eyes move beyond the heads, through the limbs and bodies; to the spaces in between and to your shock it's your sister there in the center of the circle. She cowers there alone. Hunched over at the waist, wanting to disappear into the ground she stands upon. Her big brown eyes pleading for someone, just one out of the throng, to see her as she truly is, as Heaven made her; to stop the noise, the shouting the heckling, the monstrous mouths. Just one. You stare at all those faces, the emotions of anger, confusion, spite, revulsion. Hatred. You've felt it too. Autism isn't always pretty nor is it easy to live with, but this is your baby sister, standing alone in that circle of judgers, weighers and deciders. Where are you going to stand in that circle? Will you stand where you are, still and silent? Will you join the mob with the name calling and abuse? Will you walk away? Will you push your way through? Will you push past these frightening mouths and flailing fists, to find the hand of your baby sister? Will you go stand beside her, hold her against you, let her know she's not alone, she'll never be alone again. Where are YOU in the circle?"

As I've taught this over the years, because I have five children, three of whom are on the autistic spectrum, beginning with my second oldest, the one standing alone in the circle has changed. The one in the circle doesn't have to be an autistic person either. I'm not autistic, but I've been in that circle. Others I know and love have been in that circle. I've always chosen to stand inside the circle by the side of the one alone. It's never bought me much popularity, no. In fact most of the time it has bought me scorn. I have been punished for doing so. Never more so, however, than when I've stood there with my children. I regret nothing about choosing to stand up for what I believe in. I will never stop being that woman. Despite the names, the lies and gossip, being ostracized. I would cease to be me. And I would never leave my children or friends alone to bear that burden on their own. It may cripple me for a time afterward to take the brunt for or with them. But I cannot live a lie. Leave me. Walk out of my life. I'm better off without you. But to those who are lucky enough to have this woman standing next to them know the gift of a friend they have. To those who've stood beside me I offer my gratitude. I miss my son who stood beside me. He still is, but in a different way. I'm still inside the circle with the underdog. I say it with a shattered heart and broken spirit. But I say it without shame. Beautiful people don't just happen, They're created.

Where are you standing in the circle in your life?

Inspiration for today:

"In the darkness of your lonliness, remember that the spaces between your fingers fit perfectly with mine....I will listen to every breath, hear every heartbeat, until the sunlight illuminates your soul again."

~ Bruce Wheadon

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt."

~ Mother Teresa

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Refusing Hell

I'm 44 years old. I've been to hell and back more than once, more than twice. I'm not going there again. I'm taking a stand, I'm making my choice. I may hover on the precipice of it for a moment longer, but I refuse to fall back in. It's too difficult to get out, and I WAS out. But I guess I wasn't far enough away. The magnetic pull on those old iron deposits ~ my long ago bruises from the past ~ still allowed me to get suckered in, post-mortem to the deed, but it still happened. So I stand here and look down. I see clearly all the claw marks, mine. Indicators of me having gotten out before. Why can't I just walk away right now?

Complex PTSD.

And just when ya think ya get over the last something in life, a new something can easily side-swipe you, and down you go. You'd think by now I'd know better, be stronger, something. But the sad reality of victim-hood is; once you've been there, done that... it barely takes a breeze to turn those old bruises bright purple again. The stupidest part about all this? I wasn't THE victim this time. I DID see the signs and knew better. I was spared. My friends weren't. Now I'm part of the clean-up party and though it's not my mess, I was on the invitation list, I was a target. He used me to get to them, and he got em. And my heart is broken for them. And in all this sweeping and mopping we're now doing to try to clean up after the monster...my bruises turned bright and painful when I wasn't looking. When I was busily trying to help, to salvage, to report, to make right what I couldn't stop...they snuck to the surface again, and the magnet went into action. The rusted old metal in the bruisings were caught and I woke up standing here, looking down into the hole I've climbed out of so many times. Thank heaven I didn't fall in.

I was triggered all over again because he's a predator. Because this represents vulnerability. Because this means it doesn't matter how old you are or how much you learn, you can always be in someone's cross-hairs for the hunt. And it was almost me. Even though it wasn't me, I can't fix it all. I still feel the helplessness of childhood, of battered wife syndrome, of life. I cannot control, did not control, will never be able to control; my environment. And as I struggle to control the one thing I can control, I weep for those of my friends he harmed, it got too close. I know them. I love them. He had no right. I hide from the world because of people like him, incidents like this...whether near or far. And its staring me in the face. I have things to do. I've already done things. Steps. Steps to say “no you can't”. Steps to take back some control. They're meant to heal as they're carried out. Each step I take to reclaim what was lost for me, for them...seems to be drawing me closer to that edge. But doing what I'm doing, my perpetual hiding, isn't turning me in the other direction and steering me clear of the abyss.

Do I seek revenge?

If the answer is yes, that makes me no better than he is. No better than my ex who was constantly needing to one up everyone. No better than the child victim who turns into the adult predator in a sick effort to make someone weaker, smaller, younger, feel that vulnerable victimization. Afterall someone did it to them, so they're justified? Only in their delusional minds.

No. I'm not like that. I've always ever sought safety for myself, my children, other potential victims. Of course predators will twist this to say I'm vindictive, because it means they were stopped in their tracks where I'm concerned. They were caught, they were interrupted, they got in trouble. Because of their choices. But somehow in their sick, dark selves they've decided this makes me vindictive. No, this makes me pro-active. Very pro-active. And I was again. I was doing great. And then something happened. Some thing, I don't know what, but here I am. Not doing great. Not being pro-active, vindictive, nothing.....nothing but scared of my own shadow again.

I'm reminded of my jar of earth. This is another rock to add. It's not one of the big black, sharp-edged ones. It's just a small pebble. It will fit without much effort I'm sure, but I need the diamond dust and healing sands that only my Savior can give me. I have no answers, not even on my book shelf, not for this one. This would be spectator victimization, if there is such a thing. But, yeah, it affected me. I won't let it anymore. He cannot have that much power over me, or I am no longer a spectator, I become one of his victims. I refuse. I've come too far.

Since its after midnight, I can say: today is a new day with no mistakes in it. Today I start over. With divine intervention. I can finish cleaning up, helping the victims...it's what I do. I begin with me. I deserve a break. I deserve to be taken care of too. I'll see to my bruises, settle them down again. Then I'll pick up the broom and continue sweeping up his mess. One of my favorite quotes ends with “I will not let this life defeat me.” And I won't.

Inspiration for today:

“Success is not final, Failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

~ Winston Churchill

“Truth will ultimately prevail where there are pains to bring it to light.”

~ George Washington

“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising after you fall.”

~ Vince Lombardi

Introducing Karen Naidoo *

ZAMBEZI An inspiration to see through words........ The Zambezi River expands its waist and expels her contents on to the banks of the Maramba Mouth she suddenly stirs with life, she repeats this journey,decades she has swayed through dense enbankments carving, weaving her way leading in her path a maelstorm of unforgiving waters. The storm comes with no warning,dark clouds shield the sky and a sudden burst of rain as fast as it appears it subsides, the clouds disappear towards the african skyline a flash of lightening...........but! for a second or two like a backdrop on a movie screen it gives off a display of white streaks like soundless fireworks across the horizon for a few moments........ then an echo is heard, the rolling of thunder, the sky turns hue, as the rain leaves in its wake a mist covering the river and dense bushes.... a green mamba seeks refuge from the rising river,as it coils itself around a branch and blends in with the natural fawna,an overhanging brush where the green and red beaked Zambezi lovebirds and yellow weavers make a colourful display as they build their nests over the flowing river they fly and chatter about nervously to and fro.... A fish eagle gives a cry as it hovers over the flooding waters and swoops down and snatches a bream in its powerful beak, then flapping its wings it soars then descends landing roughly on a nearby rock, with the water lapping and rising hungerily around it! the bird begins to devour its thrashing meal.. The water slowly glides widening her girth taking with it broken driftwood and whatever dare lays in its path, forming rapids, currents which hurridly overlap and swallow each other in white swirls disappearing in a mass of angry waters...it meanders like molten lava down towards the gaping crevice of the Victoria Falls thundering into the gorge below hissing like boiling pot where she settles restless in a mass of confusion.. in the valley below..

Karen Naidoo is my friend on Facebook. She is a very sweet woman, with a big heart. I wish I had a picture to accompany her words. Good luck to you in your writing ventures Karen! Hugs!!

* All submissions are posted unedited as per the author.

Stumbling over a potato

Realizing you're mid-climb in your 30's can be a shock, but only if you look down...which in this case, would be looking back, back into the past.

I don't remember what day or even which season it was when I looked at my feet in my minds eye and saw them dusty and dirty and right in the middle of a well worn mountainside path. It was rocky but barely, it was hot, but that was only in my mind. it wasn't indicative of the season outside my window. I was stopped in this place on the path; I didn't want to keep going. I was too tired so I sat down right there in the dirt and cried. And I didn't get up again for four years. When I recall getting up and re-beginning my climb I wasn't in the same spot, I was facing a sheer cliff. No hand or foot holds to aid me in my climb, no ropes either. It was just me, that rock face and a whole lotta wind.

I have no idea how I made it up, but I did. And I did look down, and back, and I saw. I saw me climbing and falling, climbing and making my way. I saw different scenes. Some were lovely meadows filled with flowers, animals, small streams, a waterfall. Some were what I call rock fields that are uphill. A big area like a particular small canyon near my home; literally a place where rocks were deposited in a glacial melt and just left there and there they have remained for centuries. They vary in size and shape. There are more than can be counted. They are light gray and is it a deep ravine just full of these rocks; and rattlesnakes live there. I've had to pick my way through more than one of those puppies.

Some of the path is shaded with the ever present scrub oak, maple and aspen so familiar to me. Some paths have cactus here and there. It is a mountain just like the one I live on, but its not the same mountain. This is MY mountain. This is my life.

At this point if you're surprised I'm once again using nature as a metaphor in my writing, we haven't been acquainted long, nor have you read much of my writings. As I've mentioned before I think in pictures and most of my pictures are pastoral. Very rarely urban. Is it my interest in Tao? Doubtful, that began later. Its probably because I've always lived on or near a mountain. and its probably also because I always feel as if I'm climbing or falling. Pursuing something vigorously or failing. Only sometimes am I successfully ambling along one of those shaded paths. My guess is the meadows have something to do with love, whether romantic, my children, friends or family. But the cliffs, that's a no brainer. Those are the biggest trials I've faced in my life, same with those blasted snake infested rock fields. But no matter what the climb or ramble looks like I am moving along that mountain. I see the top only sometimes. I know whats up there. I know what my final reward will be when I get there. And from that place all the way up on the top is something that ever pulls me toward it and I weep and say I'm coming. I promise I'm coming. The next thing I know, He's standing right next to me as I've paused on my way. He smiles and reminds me He's always there if I'll just open my eyes and look for Him. And then I rebegin my climb toward where He is, where Father is, where I will one day rest from all my labors and be free from these things that hurt my body; all the diseases. I will be free from the things that hurt my heart. Knowing THAT freedom awaits me is enough to keep me plugging along even as I wearily stumble over a stone the size of a potato.

I know I'm over half way finished, but I know more sheer cliffs and rock fields await me. But I also know those gorgeous meadows and sun-dappled paths await as well. Life is hard. No matter how you may see your journey I'll bet you too have obstacles peppered along the way. It's the way it is. If we only walked along a padded athletic track at the local high school as our life's journey, we might have some good muscle tone here and there, but not every part of us would be worked and tried, and strengthened. When we have to figure out HOW to get through, over, under, or around something. Or sometimes even getting it out of us, we also work our mind, heart and spirit. The bigger the obstacle the harder we have to work all of our being. My body may not work properly, and at this point, its not going to before I die, but I can keep strengthening my mind and spirit and heart for truly that is how we overcome these things that interrupt our daily stroll anyway. Physical prowess doesn't get us into heaven nor does it bring us the love that remains. It's what's inside that makes or breaks our success ultimately. My upper body strength did not get me over that sheer face cliff four years ago. it was raw mental and spiritual determination that did, along with much needed divine assistance. Our bodies are going to go away. Our spirit, mind and heart ~ the soul, remains. My soul is climbing. I'm not sitting down and giving up anymore. I learned I can take small breaks then continue and be fine. I have found balance. There is alot of peace that accompanies this realization. Looking back is ok as long as I don't linger or bring anything along with me that has no value. Looking forward, feeling that magnetic pull call me home, well....its working. The stronger me is succeeding in her climb. Yes I may fall, but I'll get back up and keep going. I learned I could fail and try again and that I was still valuable, scrapes and all.

Inspiration for today:

"Those who are only sort of committed may expect to only sort of receive the blessings of testimony, joy and peace. The windows of heaven might only sort of be open to them. Nothing can be more important than keeping a commitment."

~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"If there is a real woman - even the trace of one - still there inside the grumbling, it can be brought to life again. If there's one wee spark under all those ashes, we'll blow it till the whole pile is red and clear."

~ C.S. Lewis

"Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

~ Matthew 25:21

Losing Neverland

It is a big deal to me, because its such a big part of my falling star wishes. And just because the star simply races across the solar system, it isn't really going to make my wish come true. BUT what a magnificent sight a falling star can be as it whisks across a midnight blue sky.....

I'm FINALLY beginning to accept that there is no automatic, built-in, just-because-you-want-it 'happily ever after'. No perfect health, or job security. No perfect marital stability, no perfectly peaceful home life, no perfectly calm mealtimes and bedtimes. No perfectly idyllic relationships or home/family/marriage situations...life.

Life is filled with challenges, learning experiences and opportunities, failures, disappointments, heartache, lies, death and yep, you guessed it, taxes. Nothing stays the same. People are constantly evolving and morphing in one direction or another. The best that can be hoped for within a job situation, close friendship &/or especially, marriage, is a joint venture, joint commitment, joint effort. Team work.

For emotional relationships in particular ~ a commitment that says: "we will be honest, we will live by the golden rule, we will love one another, we will respect one another, we will work hard at this, we will get help as needed, we will be true and loyal, we will support one another, we will hang-out together and enjoy it, we will need breaks from each other and from life, we will need reminders of how much our choices DO affect others and to re-learn things over and over and we will fail at all of the above ~ often, But! we'll also succeed! And we're committed to each other and to keep trying, to self-evaluate, to self-motivate, to do our best and keep finding the love and the good no matter how deeply hidden it may become". And...a lot of prayer ~ as a couple, family and individually. Now that, would be really nice. I'd be quite happy with what I just wrote.

Honesty and integrity, honor and strength of character...these are more important to me in love, romance and friendship than title, rank, fancy house, sex appeal, chemistry, looks, car, career, money, travel, being cool or charming, brilliance or even being funny.

While a sense of humor and education are way up on my list, that tried and true, bone deep good-heartedness and honesty makes or breaks a person in my book. Of course #1 above all the others, is that the man I love, loves the Lord before all else, then me second. If he's doing that, then, being honorable will be easy for him.

As you know, I am currently on a personal quest to improve my own character, attitudes, perspectives and well, ME! Though personally, quite averse to dishonesty or unkindness due to my own experiences of being treated with such by others, I find the traits of honesty and kindness easier for me to exercise toward another than perhaps some other traits (though still, I am a work in progress). But trust is another matter all together. Amazing how experience can be a stern teacher.

Anyway, I feel immense gratitude that I don't have to pass the test of life today, that the learning process is just THAT! A process, not an event. I have much left to do, but having begun just a few beginner baby steps, has already brought me far! With God's assistance I can have those traits of honor and integrity strong within myself, then I'll be able to invite those same types of people into my world. No more hidden, double lives, or skeleton's in a closet ~ only to be found out about several years and babies later in the marriage, types. I will be able to actually know that person ~ friend or sweetheart ~ as they truly are, because honesty and integrity will be equally as important to them as it is to me, so they'll offer to me their true selves, as I offer to them, my true self. They and I will each live in such a way as to have nothing to hide from one another. Cool concept to aim for, huh?

I'm excited about my new perspectives and attitudes. I look forward to the changes that will surely follow my improved sense of priorities and goals. I am wonderful, worthwhile and fantastic, and that's just part my inner beauty. My confidence and new way of thinking and acting will literally change my universe around me and I will continue to become the woman I've described, the woman the Lord would have me be. I will ensample it to my children and invite them to follow, which they'll surely wish to do and will! I will find more loyal, lasting friendships AND a lasting love. I'll finally be with a man of innate purity and goodness, imperfect and still learning, but definitely teachable and willing ~ so he can be true to what the Lord will have of him.

It felt like an epiphany & slap in the face, BOTH, at the same time, learning all of this. It all came together for me when I read a quote by Helen Keller:

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

Phooey. I didn't like that. I want the security darn it! Then I pondered...a long time....I felt that, yes, its true. Animals, trees, rocks..they don't get pedicures and facials. No houses bigger than the Jones's, no fancy cars or boats. They have no pre-nup or marital security. Generally their partners take off before the baby's born, or only come around bi-annually. There's no savings or 401(k) accounts. No jobs or health insurance. Their children die or disappear & there are no special police forces at work to rescue them and bring them home. Nature has no Friday night poker game or girls night out. No Sunday meetings or bible to comfort them. It's all just simply about survival. Period.

We humans are so blessed and so different! And, we have the agency to choose. With that agency we get to decide how we are going to live & define our character and decide what types of characters will be allowed in our life surrounding us. We CAN have moments of security, serenity, comfort and peace..which will surely be abruptly interupted by the human beings natural survival mode, the next learning opportunity: challenge, failure, upset, sorrow, disappointment, frustration, exhaustion, re-trying ~ all mixed with ~ achievement, success, fulfillment, security, comfort...then starting all over again a thousand thousand times. A cycle..of learning..and growth. Survival. Reality. Joy. Rejoicing. Men are, that they might have joy.

No one taught me any of this when I was younger and my disappointment and frustration has been as big as my failures at times. I have kicked myself so hard for having experienced normal life experiences. I erroneously thought I was the odd woman out. I had no inkling how to cope with the inevitable loss of Neverland. I hadn't any notion I was experiencing some very expectable ups and downs of life. Granted, some of my experiences have been stunners. The popping of the fantasy balloon was loud! But to be fair to me, I had no idea the balloon could pop.

So yes, most of my teenaged angst and life lessons were within the normal lines, but definitely some were way out in the ozone. Either way, I really picked on me, because I didn't have what I felt 'should-have-been'.

In spite of it all, I do realize that life is not all a bed of thorns. And many of ya'll have found the daydream to be your reality! But, because I know that our realest reality of realism is realistically uncertain, I will teach Helen Keller's quote to my children, as well as any other valuable wisdom I may have gained in the last 44 years, that may be useful for them. I want them to learn at a younger age than I did, so that they can begin living and loving and experiencing ~ more correctly, more realistically, more fully, less painfully, than their Momma did. I want them to have a better life than I have had. I was so busy chasing after the myths, fantasies & white picket fences, that I missed the waving red flags, though they were carefully concealed &/or thoroughly rationalized away. Then, yes, I most certainly cried over the fairytales elusiveness. But I'd not accepted the bits and pieces of the dream that had slipped in through the cracks now and then, the good that had come, because dangit ~ I wanted the WHOLE daydream! I wanted the happily ever after! I know now, it's just not gonna happen the way Walt tells it! And that's okay today. Happy CAN be told other ways.

Good, beauty, joy and peace CAN be found in the little moments of any and every day. These, I now embrace more fervently and deeply than ever before and guess what? I Love my kids more. I'm appreciating each day more. I'm able to see my loved ones with love, joy and gratitude..not just fear, worry and regret. Its magically liberating!

The moral to my diatribe is this: Savor the small silver linings and rainbows lingering amidst dark storm clouds and thunder. Look forward with hope, not fantasy, as you learn, grow and change through trials and challenges. Love deeply those you love, and more completely too. Enjoy the journey, weather the storm. No, it's not perfect, but it can be wonderful.

And don't forget to wish on that falling star.

Inspiration for today:

"you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."
~ Margaret Thatcher

"Actions are the seeds of fate. Deeds grow into destiny."
~ Harry S. Truman

"Love is never defeated."
~ Pope John Paul II