Complex PTSD.
And just when ya think ya get over the last something in life, a new something can easily side-swipe you, and down you go. You'd think by now I'd know better, be stronger, something. But the sad reality of victim-hood is; once you've been there, done that... it barely takes a breeze to turn those old bruises bright purple again. The stupidest part about all this? I wasn't THE victim this time. I DID see the signs and knew better. I was spared. My friends weren't. Now I'm part of the clean-up party and though it's not my mess, I was on the invitation list, I was a target. He used me to get to them, and he got em. And my heart is broken for them. And in all this sweeping and mopping we're now doing to try to clean up after the monster...my bruises turned bright and painful when I wasn't looking. When I was busily trying to help, to salvage, to report, to make right what I couldn't stop...they snuck to the surface again, and the magnet went into action. The rusted old metal in the bruisings were caught and I woke up standing here, looking down into the hole I've climbed out of so many times. Thank heaven I didn't fall in.
I was triggered all over again because he's a predator. Because this represents vulnerability. Because this means it doesn't matter how old you are or how much you learn, you can always be in someone's cross-hairs for the hunt. And it was almost me. Even though it wasn't me, I can't fix it all. I still feel the helplessness of childhood, of battered wife syndrome, of life. I cannot control, did not control, will never be able to control; my environment. And as I struggle to control the one thing I can control, I weep for those of my friends he harmed, it got too close. I know them. I love them. He had no right. I hide from the world because of people like him, incidents like this...whether near or far. And its staring me in the face. I have things to do. I've already done things. Steps. Steps to say “no you can't”. Steps to take back some control. They're meant to heal as they're carried out. Each step I take to reclaim what was lost for me, for them...seems to be drawing me closer to that edge. But doing what I'm doing, my perpetual hiding, isn't turning me in the other direction and steering me clear of the abyss.
Do I seek revenge?
If the answer is yes, that makes me no better than he is. No better than my ex who was constantly needing to one up everyone. No better than the child victim who turns into the adult predator in a sick effort to make someone weaker, smaller, younger, feel that vulnerable victimization. Afterall someone did it to them, so they're justified? Only in their delusional minds.
No. I'm not like that. I've always ever sought safety for myself, my children, other potential victims. Of course predators will twist this to say I'm vindictive, because it means they were stopped in their tracks where I'm concerned. They were caught, they were interrupted, they got in trouble. Because of their choices. But somehow in their sick, dark selves they've decided this makes me vindictive. No, this makes me pro-active. Very pro-active. And I was again. I was doing great. And then something happened. Some thing, I don't know what, but here I am. Not doing great. Not being pro-active, vindictive, nothing.....nothing but scared of my own shadow again.
I'm reminded of my jar of earth. This is another rock to add. It's not one of the big black, sharp-edged ones. It's just a small pebble. It will fit without much effort I'm sure, but I need the diamond dust and healing sands that only my Savior can give me. I have no answers, not even on my book shelf, not for this one. This would be spectator victimization, if there is such a thing. But, yeah, it affected me. I won't let it anymore. He cannot have that much power over me, or I am no longer a spectator, I become one of his victims. I refuse. I've come too far.
Since its after midnight, I can say: today is a new day with no mistakes in it. Today I start over. With divine intervention. I can finish cleaning up, helping the victims...it's what I do. I begin with me. I deserve a break. I deserve to be taken care of too. I'll see to my bruises, settle them down again. Then I'll pick up the broom and continue sweeping up his mess. One of my favorite quotes ends with “I will not let this life defeat me.” And I won't.
Inspiration for today:
“Success is not final, Failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Truth will ultimately prevail where there are pains to bring it to light.”
~ George Washington
“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising after you fall.”
~ Vince Lombardi
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