Refusing Hell

I'm 44 years old. I've been to hell and back more than once, more than twice. I'm not going there again. I'm taking a stand, I'm making my choice. I may hover on the precipice of it for a moment longer, but I refuse to fall back in. It's too difficult to get out, and I WAS out. But I guess I wasn't far enough away. The magnetic pull on those old iron deposits ~ my long ago bruises from the past ~ still allowed me to get suckered in, post-mortem to the deed, but it still happened. So I stand here and look down. I see clearly all the claw marks, mine. Indicators of me having gotten out before. Why can't I just walk away right now?

Complex PTSD.

And just when ya think ya get over the last something in life, a new something can easily side-swipe you, and down you go. You'd think by now I'd know better, be stronger, something. But the sad reality of victim-hood is; once you've been there, done that... it barely takes a breeze to turn those old bruises bright purple again. The stupidest part about all this? I wasn't THE victim this time. I DID see the signs and knew better. I was spared. My friends weren't. Now I'm part of the clean-up party and though it's not my mess, I was on the invitation list, I was a target. He used me to get to them, and he got em. And my heart is broken for them. And in all this sweeping and mopping we're now doing to try to clean up after the monster...my bruises turned bright and painful when I wasn't looking. When I was busily trying to help, to salvage, to report, to make right what I couldn't stop...they snuck to the surface again, and the magnet went into action. The rusted old metal in the bruisings were caught and I woke up standing here, looking down into the hole I've climbed out of so many times. Thank heaven I didn't fall in.

I was triggered all over again because he's a predator. Because this represents vulnerability. Because this means it doesn't matter how old you are or how much you learn, you can always be in someone's cross-hairs for the hunt. And it was almost me. Even though it wasn't me, I can't fix it all. I still feel the helplessness of childhood, of battered wife syndrome, of life. I cannot control, did not control, will never be able to control; my environment. And as I struggle to control the one thing I can control, I weep for those of my friends he harmed, it got too close. I know them. I love them. He had no right. I hide from the world because of people like him, incidents like this...whether near or far. And its staring me in the face. I have things to do. I've already done things. Steps. Steps to say “no you can't”. Steps to take back some control. They're meant to heal as they're carried out. Each step I take to reclaim what was lost for me, for them...seems to be drawing me closer to that edge. But doing what I'm doing, my perpetual hiding, isn't turning me in the other direction and steering me clear of the abyss.

Do I seek revenge?

If the answer is yes, that makes me no better than he is. No better than my ex who was constantly needing to one up everyone. No better than the child victim who turns into the adult predator in a sick effort to make someone weaker, smaller, younger, feel that vulnerable victimization. Afterall someone did it to them, so they're justified? Only in their delusional minds.

No. I'm not like that. I've always ever sought safety for myself, my children, other potential victims. Of course predators will twist this to say I'm vindictive, because it means they were stopped in their tracks where I'm concerned. They were caught, they were interrupted, they got in trouble. Because of their choices. But somehow in their sick, dark selves they've decided this makes me vindictive. No, this makes me pro-active. Very pro-active. And I was again. I was doing great. And then something happened. Some thing, I don't know what, but here I am. Not doing great. Not being pro-active, vindictive, nothing.....nothing but scared of my own shadow again.

I'm reminded of my jar of earth. This is another rock to add. It's not one of the big black, sharp-edged ones. It's just a small pebble. It will fit without much effort I'm sure, but I need the diamond dust and healing sands that only my Savior can give me. I have no answers, not even on my book shelf, not for this one. This would be spectator victimization, if there is such a thing. But, yeah, it affected me. I won't let it anymore. He cannot have that much power over me, or I am no longer a spectator, I become one of his victims. I refuse. I've come too far.

Since its after midnight, I can say: today is a new day with no mistakes in it. Today I start over. With divine intervention. I can finish cleaning up, helping the victims...it's what I do. I begin with me. I deserve a break. I deserve to be taken care of too. I'll see to my bruises, settle them down again. Then I'll pick up the broom and continue sweeping up his mess. One of my favorite quotes ends with “I will not let this life defeat me.” And I won't.

Inspiration for today:

“Success is not final, Failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

~ Winston Churchill

“Truth will ultimately prevail where there are pains to bring it to light.”

~ George Washington

“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising after you fall.”

~ Vince Lombardi

Stumbling over a potato

Realizing you're mid-climb in your 30's can be a shock, but only if you look down...which in this case, would be looking back, back into the past.

I don't remember what day or even which season it was when I looked at my feet in my minds eye and saw them dusty and dirty and right in the middle of a well worn mountainside path. It was rocky but barely, it was hot, but that was only in my mind. it wasn't indicative of the season outside my window. I was stopped in this place on the path; I didn't want to keep going. I was too tired so I sat down right there in the dirt and cried. And I didn't get up again for four years. When I recall getting up and re-beginning my climb I wasn't in the same spot, I was facing a sheer cliff. No hand or foot holds to aid me in my climb, no ropes either. It was just me, that rock face and a whole lotta wind.

I have no idea how I made it up, but I did. And I did look down, and back, and I saw. I saw me climbing and falling, climbing and making my way. I saw different scenes. Some were lovely meadows filled with flowers, animals, small streams, a waterfall. Some were what I call rock fields that are uphill. A big area like a particular small canyon near my home; literally a place where rocks were deposited in a glacial melt and just left there and there they have remained for centuries. They vary in size and shape. There are more than can be counted. They are light gray and is it a deep ravine just full of these rocks; and rattlesnakes live there. I've had to pick my way through more than one of those puppies.

Some of the path is shaded with the ever present scrub oak, maple and aspen so familiar to me. Some paths have cactus here and there. It is a mountain just like the one I live on, but its not the same mountain. This is MY mountain. This is my life.

At this point if you're surprised I'm once again using nature as a metaphor in my writing, we haven't been acquainted long, nor have you read much of my writings. As I've mentioned before I think in pictures and most of my pictures are pastoral. Very rarely urban. Is it my interest in Tao? Doubtful, that began later. Its probably because I've always lived on or near a mountain. and its probably also because I always feel as if I'm climbing or falling. Pursuing something vigorously or failing. Only sometimes am I successfully ambling along one of those shaded paths. My guess is the meadows have something to do with love, whether romantic, my children, friends or family. But the cliffs, that's a no brainer. Those are the biggest trials I've faced in my life, same with those blasted snake infested rock fields. But no matter what the climb or ramble looks like I am moving along that mountain. I see the top only sometimes. I know whats up there. I know what my final reward will be when I get there. And from that place all the way up on the top is something that ever pulls me toward it and I weep and say I'm coming. I promise I'm coming. The next thing I know, He's standing right next to me as I've paused on my way. He smiles and reminds me He's always there if I'll just open my eyes and look for Him. And then I rebegin my climb toward where He is, where Father is, where I will one day rest from all my labors and be free from these things that hurt my body; all the diseases. I will be free from the things that hurt my heart. Knowing THAT freedom awaits me is enough to keep me plugging along even as I wearily stumble over a stone the size of a potato.

I know I'm over half way finished, but I know more sheer cliffs and rock fields await me. But I also know those gorgeous meadows and sun-dappled paths await as well. Life is hard. No matter how you may see your journey I'll bet you too have obstacles peppered along the way. It's the way it is. If we only walked along a padded athletic track at the local high school as our life's journey, we might have some good muscle tone here and there, but not every part of us would be worked and tried, and strengthened. When we have to figure out HOW to get through, over, under, or around something. Or sometimes even getting it out of us, we also work our mind, heart and spirit. The bigger the obstacle the harder we have to work all of our being. My body may not work properly, and at this point, its not going to before I die, but I can keep strengthening my mind and spirit and heart for truly that is how we overcome these things that interrupt our daily stroll anyway. Physical prowess doesn't get us into heaven nor does it bring us the love that remains. It's what's inside that makes or breaks our success ultimately. My upper body strength did not get me over that sheer face cliff four years ago. it was raw mental and spiritual determination that did, along with much needed divine assistance. Our bodies are going to go away. Our spirit, mind and heart ~ the soul, remains. My soul is climbing. I'm not sitting down and giving up anymore. I learned I can take small breaks then continue and be fine. I have found balance. There is alot of peace that accompanies this realization. Looking back is ok as long as I don't linger or bring anything along with me that has no value. Looking forward, feeling that magnetic pull call me home, well....its working. The stronger me is succeeding in her climb. Yes I may fall, but I'll get back up and keep going. I learned I could fail and try again and that I was still valuable, scrapes and all.

Inspiration for today:

"Those who are only sort of committed may expect to only sort of receive the blessings of testimony, joy and peace. The windows of heaven might only sort of be open to them. Nothing can be more important than keeping a commitment."

~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"If there is a real woman - even the trace of one - still there inside the grumbling, it can be brought to life again. If there's one wee spark under all those ashes, we'll blow it till the whole pile is red and clear."

~ C.S. Lewis

"Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

~ Matthew 25:21

New Guest Contributor ~ Debra Dunn Breitenstein

Debra Breitenstein is a Life Reinvention Coach. Her passion is to help others grow and progress in their lives. She also loves to progress personally and is consistently developing new tools and ideas that lead to self fulfillment and success. As an owner of multiple businesses Debra has experience in taking a creation from its beginnings in the mind to the happy reality of success in the real world. "Creative" and "Innovative" are words her clients often use to describe her and the methods she uses to educate others in the keys and tools that lead to positive changes in their lives. Debra is a mother of 7 children and has a growing expansion of grandchildren. Her hands on experience in raising a family (much of which was as a single mother), dealing with difficult situations, marital challenges, and overcoming the challenging roadblocks of life give her a compassionate insight into what others are experiencing. Debra is creating new tools, programs, and books that will be available on her website www.debrabreitenstein.com She also provides coaching, workshops, group coaching sessions and on occasion will provide one on one individual coaching. Image Reinvention is also one of her specialties.

debrabreitenstein

"Do you find yourself attracting toxic people like a magnet? It is a sign that there is work to do inside of yourself to heal and to become more emotionally healthy. I teach easy ways to heal your "inner self" and at the same time improve relationships with those around you. If you feel that you have to work really hard at relationships it is time to change directions and to use new techniques that will make the positive changes in your life that you desire."

 

"When we respect the choices of others we realize that the only decisions we can make are decisions for ourselves. We allow others to make their own choices and decisions and to take the responsibility for the choices they have made. We also take active ownership and responsibility for the consequences of our own choices."

 

"To neglect our power of choice with indecision and inaction is to give up our most valuable possessions and strengths to the destructive choice of apathy."