The Circle

I've already written about being a visual person, teaching, speaking, writing in metaphor, analogy and illustration. I have no idea how other people see things in their minds. It's neither good nor bad, it just is what it is. So...in this frame of mind that I am, I paint pictures for my children as I aim to teach them something, especially something of value, something I want them to have a visual of, something I want them to remember, over and over again. I don't recall where the parable of The Circle came from, it just came and now it's part of our familial vernacular; where are you in the circle with each other, with me, with your friends, the rest of your family? The moral of the story? Love, empathy. Standing by someone no matter what the rest of the world says. Standing for something, especially when your person is about to fall. Where are you in The Circle?

“As you walk toward the noise you hear, there in front of you is a circle. A circle of people. All colors, shapes, sizes, sounds. But the loudest sound is mockery and cruelty. You go closer to the circle to see what is there; what are they pointing at, jeering at? Your eyes move beyond the heads, through the limbs and bodies; to the spaces in between and to your shock it's your sister there in the center of the circle. She cowers there alone. Hunched over at the waist, wanting to disappear into the ground she stands upon. Her big brown eyes pleading for someone, just one out of the throng, to see her as she truly is, as Heaven made her; to stop the noise, the shouting the heckling, the monstrous mouths. Just one. You stare at all those faces, the emotions of anger, confusion, spite, revulsion. Hatred. You've felt it too. Autism isn't always pretty nor is it easy to live with, but this is your baby sister, standing alone in that circle of judgers, weighers and deciders. Where are you going to stand in that circle? Will you stand where you are, still and silent? Will you join the mob with the name calling and abuse? Will you walk away? Will you push your way through? Will you push past these frightening mouths and flailing fists, to find the hand of your baby sister? Will you go stand beside her, hold her against you, let her know she's not alone, she'll never be alone again. Where are YOU in the circle?"

As I've taught this over the years, because I have five children, three of whom are on the autistic spectrum, beginning with my second oldest, the one standing alone in the circle has changed. The one in the circle doesn't have to be an autistic person either. I'm not autistic, but I've been in that circle. Others I know and love have been in that circle. I've always chosen to stand inside the circle by the side of the one alone. It's never bought me much popularity, no. In fact most of the time it has bought me scorn. I have been punished for doing so. Never more so, however, than when I've stood there with my children. I regret nothing about choosing to stand up for what I believe in. I will never stop being that woman. Despite the names, the lies and gossip, being ostracized. I would cease to be me. And I would never leave my children or friends alone to bear that burden on their own. It may cripple me for a time afterward to take the brunt for or with them. But I cannot live a lie. Leave me. Walk out of my life. I'm better off without you. But to those who are lucky enough to have this woman standing next to them know the gift of a friend they have. To those who've stood beside me I offer my gratitude. I miss my son who stood beside me. He still is, but in a different way. I'm still inside the circle with the underdog. I say it with a shattered heart and broken spirit. But I say it without shame. Beautiful people don't just happen, They're created.

Where are you standing in the circle in your life?

Inspiration for today:

"In the darkness of your lonliness, remember that the spaces between your fingers fit perfectly with mine....I will listen to every breath, hear every heartbeat, until the sunlight illuminates your soul again."

~ Bruce Wheadon

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt."

~ Mother Teresa

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Stumbling over a potato

Realizing you're mid-climb in your 30's can be a shock, but only if you look down...which in this case, would be looking back, back into the past.

I don't remember what day or even which season it was when I looked at my feet in my minds eye and saw them dusty and dirty and right in the middle of a well worn mountainside path. It was rocky but barely, it was hot, but that was only in my mind. it wasn't indicative of the season outside my window. I was stopped in this place on the path; I didn't want to keep going. I was too tired so I sat down right there in the dirt and cried. And I didn't get up again for four years. When I recall getting up and re-beginning my climb I wasn't in the same spot, I was facing a sheer cliff. No hand or foot holds to aid me in my climb, no ropes either. It was just me, that rock face and a whole lotta wind.

I have no idea how I made it up, but I did. And I did look down, and back, and I saw. I saw me climbing and falling, climbing and making my way. I saw different scenes. Some were lovely meadows filled with flowers, animals, small streams, a waterfall. Some were what I call rock fields that are uphill. A big area like a particular small canyon near my home; literally a place where rocks were deposited in a glacial melt and just left there and there they have remained for centuries. They vary in size and shape. There are more than can be counted. They are light gray and is it a deep ravine just full of these rocks; and rattlesnakes live there. I've had to pick my way through more than one of those puppies.

Some of the path is shaded with the ever present scrub oak, maple and aspen so familiar to me. Some paths have cactus here and there. It is a mountain just like the one I live on, but its not the same mountain. This is MY mountain. This is my life.

At this point if you're surprised I'm once again using nature as a metaphor in my writing, we haven't been acquainted long, nor have you read much of my writings. As I've mentioned before I think in pictures and most of my pictures are pastoral. Very rarely urban. Is it my interest in Tao? Doubtful, that began later. Its probably because I've always lived on or near a mountain. and its probably also because I always feel as if I'm climbing or falling. Pursuing something vigorously or failing. Only sometimes am I successfully ambling along one of those shaded paths. My guess is the meadows have something to do with love, whether romantic, my children, friends or family. But the cliffs, that's a no brainer. Those are the biggest trials I've faced in my life, same with those blasted snake infested rock fields. But no matter what the climb or ramble looks like I am moving along that mountain. I see the top only sometimes. I know whats up there. I know what my final reward will be when I get there. And from that place all the way up on the top is something that ever pulls me toward it and I weep and say I'm coming. I promise I'm coming. The next thing I know, He's standing right next to me as I've paused on my way. He smiles and reminds me He's always there if I'll just open my eyes and look for Him. And then I rebegin my climb toward where He is, where Father is, where I will one day rest from all my labors and be free from these things that hurt my body; all the diseases. I will be free from the things that hurt my heart. Knowing THAT freedom awaits me is enough to keep me plugging along even as I wearily stumble over a stone the size of a potato.

I know I'm over half way finished, but I know more sheer cliffs and rock fields await me. But I also know those gorgeous meadows and sun-dappled paths await as well. Life is hard. No matter how you may see your journey I'll bet you too have obstacles peppered along the way. It's the way it is. If we only walked along a padded athletic track at the local high school as our life's journey, we might have some good muscle tone here and there, but not every part of us would be worked and tried, and strengthened. When we have to figure out HOW to get through, over, under, or around something. Or sometimes even getting it out of us, we also work our mind, heart and spirit. The bigger the obstacle the harder we have to work all of our being. My body may not work properly, and at this point, its not going to before I die, but I can keep strengthening my mind and spirit and heart for truly that is how we overcome these things that interrupt our daily stroll anyway. Physical prowess doesn't get us into heaven nor does it bring us the love that remains. It's what's inside that makes or breaks our success ultimately. My upper body strength did not get me over that sheer face cliff four years ago. it was raw mental and spiritual determination that did, along with much needed divine assistance. Our bodies are going to go away. Our spirit, mind and heart ~ the soul, remains. My soul is climbing. I'm not sitting down and giving up anymore. I learned I can take small breaks then continue and be fine. I have found balance. There is alot of peace that accompanies this realization. Looking back is ok as long as I don't linger or bring anything along with me that has no value. Looking forward, feeling that magnetic pull call me home, well....its working. The stronger me is succeeding in her climb. Yes I may fall, but I'll get back up and keep going. I learned I could fail and try again and that I was still valuable, scrapes and all.

Inspiration for today:

"Those who are only sort of committed may expect to only sort of receive the blessings of testimony, joy and peace. The windows of heaven might only sort of be open to them. Nothing can be more important than keeping a commitment."

~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"If there is a real woman - even the trace of one - still there inside the grumbling, it can be brought to life again. If there's one wee spark under all those ashes, we'll blow it till the whole pile is red and clear."

~ C.S. Lewis

"Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

~ Matthew 25:21

Losing Neverland

It is a big deal to me, because its such a big part of my falling star wishes. And just because the star simply races across the solar system, it isn't really going to make my wish come true. BUT what a magnificent sight a falling star can be as it whisks across a midnight blue sky.....

I'm FINALLY beginning to accept that there is no automatic, built-in, just-because-you-want-it 'happily ever after'. No perfect health, or job security. No perfect marital stability, no perfectly peaceful home life, no perfectly calm mealtimes and bedtimes. No perfectly idyllic relationships or home/family/marriage situations...life.

Life is filled with challenges, learning experiences and opportunities, failures, disappointments, heartache, lies, death and yep, you guessed it, taxes. Nothing stays the same. People are constantly evolving and morphing in one direction or another. The best that can be hoped for within a job situation, close friendship &/or especially, marriage, is a joint venture, joint commitment, joint effort. Team work.

For emotional relationships in particular ~ a commitment that says: "we will be honest, we will live by the golden rule, we will love one another, we will respect one another, we will work hard at this, we will get help as needed, we will be true and loyal, we will support one another, we will hang-out together and enjoy it, we will need breaks from each other and from life, we will need reminders of how much our choices DO affect others and to re-learn things over and over and we will fail at all of the above ~ often, But! we'll also succeed! And we're committed to each other and to keep trying, to self-evaluate, to self-motivate, to do our best and keep finding the love and the good no matter how deeply hidden it may become". And...a lot of prayer ~ as a couple, family and individually. Now that, would be really nice. I'd be quite happy with what I just wrote.

Honesty and integrity, honor and strength of character...these are more important to me in love, romance and friendship than title, rank, fancy house, sex appeal, chemistry, looks, car, career, money, travel, being cool or charming, brilliance or even being funny.

While a sense of humor and education are way up on my list, that tried and true, bone deep good-heartedness and honesty makes or breaks a person in my book. Of course #1 above all the others, is that the man I love, loves the Lord before all else, then me second. If he's doing that, then, being honorable will be easy for him.

As you know, I am currently on a personal quest to improve my own character, attitudes, perspectives and well, ME! Though personally, quite averse to dishonesty or unkindness due to my own experiences of being treated with such by others, I find the traits of honesty and kindness easier for me to exercise toward another than perhaps some other traits (though still, I am a work in progress). But trust is another matter all together. Amazing how experience can be a stern teacher.

Anyway, I feel immense gratitude that I don't have to pass the test of life today, that the learning process is just THAT! A process, not an event. I have much left to do, but having begun just a few beginner baby steps, has already brought me far! With God's assistance I can have those traits of honor and integrity strong within myself, then I'll be able to invite those same types of people into my world. No more hidden, double lives, or skeleton's in a closet ~ only to be found out about several years and babies later in the marriage, types. I will be able to actually know that person ~ friend or sweetheart ~ as they truly are, because honesty and integrity will be equally as important to them as it is to me, so they'll offer to me their true selves, as I offer to them, my true self. They and I will each live in such a way as to have nothing to hide from one another. Cool concept to aim for, huh?

I'm excited about my new perspectives and attitudes. I look forward to the changes that will surely follow my improved sense of priorities and goals. I am wonderful, worthwhile and fantastic, and that's just part my inner beauty. My confidence and new way of thinking and acting will literally change my universe around me and I will continue to become the woman I've described, the woman the Lord would have me be. I will ensample it to my children and invite them to follow, which they'll surely wish to do and will! I will find more loyal, lasting friendships AND a lasting love. I'll finally be with a man of innate purity and goodness, imperfect and still learning, but definitely teachable and willing ~ so he can be true to what the Lord will have of him.

It felt like an epiphany & slap in the face, BOTH, at the same time, learning all of this. It all came together for me when I read a quote by Helen Keller:

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

Phooey. I didn't like that. I want the security darn it! Then I pondered...a long time....I felt that, yes, its true. Animals, trees, rocks..they don't get pedicures and facials. No houses bigger than the Jones's, no fancy cars or boats. They have no pre-nup or marital security. Generally their partners take off before the baby's born, or only come around bi-annually. There's no savings or 401(k) accounts. No jobs or health insurance. Their children die or disappear & there are no special police forces at work to rescue them and bring them home. Nature has no Friday night poker game or girls night out. No Sunday meetings or bible to comfort them. It's all just simply about survival. Period.

We humans are so blessed and so different! And, we have the agency to choose. With that agency we get to decide how we are going to live & define our character and decide what types of characters will be allowed in our life surrounding us. We CAN have moments of security, serenity, comfort and peace..which will surely be abruptly interupted by the human beings natural survival mode, the next learning opportunity: challenge, failure, upset, sorrow, disappointment, frustration, exhaustion, re-trying ~ all mixed with ~ achievement, success, fulfillment, security, comfort...then starting all over again a thousand thousand times. A cycle..of learning..and growth. Survival. Reality. Joy. Rejoicing. Men are, that they might have joy.

No one taught me any of this when I was younger and my disappointment and frustration has been as big as my failures at times. I have kicked myself so hard for having experienced normal life experiences. I erroneously thought I was the odd woman out. I had no inkling how to cope with the inevitable loss of Neverland. I hadn't any notion I was experiencing some very expectable ups and downs of life. Granted, some of my experiences have been stunners. The popping of the fantasy balloon was loud! But to be fair to me, I had no idea the balloon could pop.

So yes, most of my teenaged angst and life lessons were within the normal lines, but definitely some were way out in the ozone. Either way, I really picked on me, because I didn't have what I felt 'should-have-been'.

In spite of it all, I do realize that life is not all a bed of thorns. And many of ya'll have found the daydream to be your reality! But, because I know that our realest reality of realism is realistically uncertain, I will teach Helen Keller's quote to my children, as well as any other valuable wisdom I may have gained in the last 44 years, that may be useful for them. I want them to learn at a younger age than I did, so that they can begin living and loving and experiencing ~ more correctly, more realistically, more fully, less painfully, than their Momma did. I want them to have a better life than I have had. I was so busy chasing after the myths, fantasies & white picket fences, that I missed the waving red flags, though they were carefully concealed &/or thoroughly rationalized away. Then, yes, I most certainly cried over the fairytales elusiveness. But I'd not accepted the bits and pieces of the dream that had slipped in through the cracks now and then, the good that had come, because dangit ~ I wanted the WHOLE daydream! I wanted the happily ever after! I know now, it's just not gonna happen the way Walt tells it! And that's okay today. Happy CAN be told other ways.

Good, beauty, joy and peace CAN be found in the little moments of any and every day. These, I now embrace more fervently and deeply than ever before and guess what? I Love my kids more. I'm appreciating each day more. I'm able to see my loved ones with love, joy and gratitude..not just fear, worry and regret. Its magically liberating!

The moral to my diatribe is this: Savor the small silver linings and rainbows lingering amidst dark storm clouds and thunder. Look forward with hope, not fantasy, as you learn, grow and change through trials and challenges. Love deeply those you love, and more completely too. Enjoy the journey, weather the storm. No, it's not perfect, but it can be wonderful.

And don't forget to wish on that falling star.

Inspiration for today:

"you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."
~ Margaret Thatcher

"Actions are the seeds of fate. Deeds grow into destiny."
~ Harry S. Truman

"Love is never defeated."
~ Pope John Paul II