Stumbling over a potato

Realizing you're mid-climb in your 30's can be a shock, but only if you look down...which in this case, would be looking back, back into the past.

I don't remember what day or even which season it was when I looked at my feet in my minds eye and saw them dusty and dirty and right in the middle of a well worn mountainside path. It was rocky but barely, it was hot, but that was only in my mind. it wasn't indicative of the season outside my window. I was stopped in this place on the path; I didn't want to keep going. I was too tired so I sat down right there in the dirt and cried. And I didn't get up again for four years. When I recall getting up and re-beginning my climb I wasn't in the same spot, I was facing a sheer cliff. No hand or foot holds to aid me in my climb, no ropes either. It was just me, that rock face and a whole lotta wind.

I have no idea how I made it up, but I did. And I did look down, and back, and I saw. I saw me climbing and falling, climbing and making my way. I saw different scenes. Some were lovely meadows filled with flowers, animals, small streams, a waterfall. Some were what I call rock fields that are uphill. A big area like a particular small canyon near my home; literally a place where rocks were deposited in a glacial melt and just left there and there they have remained for centuries. They vary in size and shape. There are more than can be counted. They are light gray and is it a deep ravine just full of these rocks; and rattlesnakes live there. I've had to pick my way through more than one of those puppies.

Some of the path is shaded with the ever present scrub oak, maple and aspen so familiar to me. Some paths have cactus here and there. It is a mountain just like the one I live on, but its not the same mountain. This is MY mountain. This is my life.

At this point if you're surprised I'm once again using nature as a metaphor in my writing, we haven't been acquainted long, nor have you read much of my writings. As I've mentioned before I think in pictures and most of my pictures are pastoral. Very rarely urban. Is it my interest in Tao? Doubtful, that began later. Its probably because I've always lived on or near a mountain. and its probably also because I always feel as if I'm climbing or falling. Pursuing something vigorously or failing. Only sometimes am I successfully ambling along one of those shaded paths. My guess is the meadows have something to do with love, whether romantic, my children, friends or family. But the cliffs, that's a no brainer. Those are the biggest trials I've faced in my life, same with those blasted snake infested rock fields. But no matter what the climb or ramble looks like I am moving along that mountain. I see the top only sometimes. I know whats up there. I know what my final reward will be when I get there. And from that place all the way up on the top is something that ever pulls me toward it and I weep and say I'm coming. I promise I'm coming. The next thing I know, He's standing right next to me as I've paused on my way. He smiles and reminds me He's always there if I'll just open my eyes and look for Him. And then I rebegin my climb toward where He is, where Father is, where I will one day rest from all my labors and be free from these things that hurt my body; all the diseases. I will be free from the things that hurt my heart. Knowing THAT freedom awaits me is enough to keep me plugging along even as I wearily stumble over a stone the size of a potato.

I know I'm over half way finished, but I know more sheer cliffs and rock fields await me. But I also know those gorgeous meadows and sun-dappled paths await as well. Life is hard. No matter how you may see your journey I'll bet you too have obstacles peppered along the way. It's the way it is. If we only walked along a padded athletic track at the local high school as our life's journey, we might have some good muscle tone here and there, but not every part of us would be worked and tried, and strengthened. When we have to figure out HOW to get through, over, under, or around something. Or sometimes even getting it out of us, we also work our mind, heart and spirit. The bigger the obstacle the harder we have to work all of our being. My body may not work properly, and at this point, its not going to before I die, but I can keep strengthening my mind and spirit and heart for truly that is how we overcome these things that interrupt our daily stroll anyway. Physical prowess doesn't get us into heaven nor does it bring us the love that remains. It's what's inside that makes or breaks our success ultimately. My upper body strength did not get me over that sheer face cliff four years ago. it was raw mental and spiritual determination that did, along with much needed divine assistance. Our bodies are going to go away. Our spirit, mind and heart ~ the soul, remains. My soul is climbing. I'm not sitting down and giving up anymore. I learned I can take small breaks then continue and be fine. I have found balance. There is alot of peace that accompanies this realization. Looking back is ok as long as I don't linger or bring anything along with me that has no value. Looking forward, feeling that magnetic pull call me home, well....its working. The stronger me is succeeding in her climb. Yes I may fall, but I'll get back up and keep going. I learned I could fail and try again and that I was still valuable, scrapes and all.

Inspiration for today:

"Those who are only sort of committed may expect to only sort of receive the blessings of testimony, joy and peace. The windows of heaven might only sort of be open to them. Nothing can be more important than keeping a commitment."

~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"If there is a real woman - even the trace of one - still there inside the grumbling, it can be brought to life again. If there's one wee spark under all those ashes, we'll blow it till the whole pile is red and clear."

~ C.S. Lewis

"Well done thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of the Lord."

~ Matthew 25:21

The runner

You are a runner. You've been running in the same lane on the same track for many years. So long, so much, in fact, you've created quite a rut, a groove, an abyss, your running place. YOUR WAY OF LIFE.  

It is very deep. It is steep. It is wide. You decide one day, you want a change of venue, so you casually say, "I now desire to come out of this rut I've been in for 16 or so years, I'm coming out". 

You reach, you jump, you try to climb, you bloody your finger tips trying to find something, anything, with which to hold onto, to pull yourself up, just a little. You work your way around the track trying to find a possible escape, but even as you do this you catch yourself, you're still finding time to run, the same way you ran for years. The very running that caused this sort of bondage you now find yourself in. 

Before you never tried to get out, so you didn't realize how deeply entrenched you'd become. And now, there is no way out, unless you stop the same running of old. 

Tired of seeking to find no way out, you again stop the running and sincerely proclaim through the voice in your HEAD "I want out! I want to be free!" Then you find a rope dropped down to you. Not a ladder. Not a rope with knots for greater ease in climbing. Just a simple rope that hangs 2 inches above the highest point you can reach. Not enough to grab hold of. No, you must jump up, hand open, hoping that as you descend you'll actually grasp the end of the rope.

You jump and reach and grab until elbows, wrists, knuckles, knees, anything that scrapes against the dirt wall of your self made prison is raw and bleeding. You're exhausted and doubtful. All you want is to get out of the life you created; and it is significantly more difficult than you ever imagined possible. In tears of frustration and longing, you cry out to the air, "please, let me out, please!!" This your SOULful cry. The rope drops 2 more inches and a knot appears at the end of the rope.

Hooray! You jump up and easily grab hold of the knot, you're on your way out, you can just feel it! You swing a bit back and forth from the momentum of your jump. You pull up with all your might. Again. Again. Again. Getting no where, unable to pull yourself up. Yet you try because you have tired of the rut of your life and you want better, purer, happier....so you pull, pull, pull, until raw, bleeding palms catch your fall on the rough ground, after you let go once more of the opportunity at escape.

You kneel on this ground, sore, aching ~ body & soul. No, you haven't been running around the track at all this time. Every moment, every bit of energy, all was put into trying to escape. You bury your weary head in your arms while continuing to kneel. With all the sound you can muster, barely audible, barely heard. A voice with the power of thunder, yet no bigger than a whisper, drifting up from your humbled HEART, "please God, get me out, release me from this life I created for myself. I long to be free. Free of the vices that own my body and mind. Free of the urges I cannot conquer. I've tried God. I can't get out on my own. Please God, rescue me".

Then you feel strong arms lift you from the ground, He smiles into your eyes as you see each other face to face. He holds steady the rope, long enough, knotted enough, for you to do your part, and climb. 

So yes, you climb. It is far. He continually holds your rope. You climb farther. You're thirsty. You hunger. You're entire body trembles from weariness. Then, there it is, the rim of the abyss. You don't look down, it is far too frightening. There is nothing you want anymore from down there. 

Of course He is at the top, extending his arm, entwining His with yours, He pulls as you climb over the edge with your free hand, knees, feet. You are made free by Him.

You cannot possibly stand. You're far too weak, but what's more, you're so enhumbled, filled with gratitude you have no words for. You see light you've only read about. Hear music that occurred only in your childhood dreams. You are in a place of purity, peace, solace, comfort, happiness unheard of. The rut of your life moves farther and farther away from you with each passing moment you breathe in the air of freedom and tranquility, virtue. It will never disappear. It will beckon you. But the longer you stay away, and inhale goodness, Godliness, the more power you will have to refuse the old ways, to press forward into your new life. And new life is always work, always effort. Effort at remaining out of the abyss..but new life is serenity, hope, miracles, fulfillment. More.

But you can only have new life if you really want it deep within your heart Every moment. Of every day.

Otherwise ~ you will never be free of your addictions & sorrows.

You will be exactly as you now are...or worse...or dead.

Wanting, truly wanting, from Him, through Him, by Him ~ is the only way to change anything.

You can't stay in the old & find the new. You must make an ultimate choice. 

And stick with it.



Inspiration for today:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the voice at the end of the day saying. 'I shall try again tomorrow'."

~Unknown

"You're never a failure if you never give up."

~Kelly Petersen