New Guest Contributor - Laurie Beth Mathews

Have you ever felt stuck? I mean immersed in dark thick colored sludge where you can barely move your arms or your legs... metaphorically of course.

That is the way I would have to describe some of the deepest and darkest depression's in which I have been. I would be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would be forever and always be in devastated place. It's ridiculous really, I mean, I never want to be depressed. I don't want to be miserable. And yet, the majority of the time I feel helpless to extract myself from the deep depths of despair.

I have been on countless medications, I have been in therapy since I was seven. (I am 43 now). I have attended groups, I have been to the hospital 8 times, not including outpatient day hospital, and I have prostrated myself to the Gods.

So WHY?

Do you know how many years I spent trying to figure out why? Turns out knowing why doesn't really help in the aspect of changing anything. That was a disappointment. I seriously believed for years that if I only knew what was causing me to feel the way I felt, or even more seriously, why I behaved the way I behaved, I would be all better. So I would find out why this or why that and then I would repeat the same self-destructive behavior that I hated doing but did anyway, over and over again. I could actually convince myself that I very simply, didn't care about the consequences. I even indulged in self harm. Fortunately I never did any serious damage, but I could have. I mean had I done to others what I had done to myself I would be incarcerated.

So, how is it that have become a moderately functional peer support specialist/wellness coach? How can it be that I am vice-chair on a recovery task force in addition to doing other volunteer activities? And miracle of miracles, I have actually got an amazing network of support by some beloved individuals. Do you believe in magic? o.k., maybe not magic, but something changed. I have yet to pinpoint the exact moment. But it was almost like I felt spitefully sick of being sick, I also got tired of being the constant and perpetual patient. I hated being the one family and friends had to "watch out for". It's almost like I used my anger as a catalyst for change.

But it wasn't just that, I had to make an agreement with myself to change my perspective and believe just a little bit. What is it, the faith of a mustard seed? I think someone told me that 20 yrs ago and it finally sprouted. Yes, I could believe that much. I trust the universe a little. I had nothing to lose. Scared out of my mind I went to a 2 week/80 hour peer specialist training. On the first day, I was convinced I was going to fail. And for many days following as well. But onward I trudged and studied 4 hours a night. After the first week, I decided if I was going to stay then I would have to get an A. No pressure, Or fear.... But I did it! I was stunned. We actually had a graduation. But the best part is that I got to study with other people who were trying to recover from a mental illness. It was a camaraderie. Working with those people was like being supported by a well meshed hammock. I had accomplished the course, but really I had done something that I wanted to do and done it TERRIFIED! Thinking about it now, I guess that's when things started to change. I had learned an invaluable lesson, I could be afraid and still move. I had never really been stuck. I had been scared. And I get afraid when I'm scared. It was exponential. Now, I try and remember that it's just fear. And as Kahlil Gibran said: "Your fear is not seated in the hand of the feared". My fear is directly proportional to the power I give it. Change your perspective.

TODAY'S INSPIRATION:

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the staircase."

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising after you fall."

~ Vince Lombardi